Inspector Gadget vs. ALF

Inspector Gadget is a lifelong lover of animals and a major contributor to the MSPCA. It's true, you can look at his tax returns. Anyway, when he found out that all of ALF's favorite foods are cat-based, he decided to take matters into his own extendable hands. Unfortunately for all of the poor, defenseless cats out there though, Inspector Gadget didn't have the stones to go through with it. Just as he was about to brain ALF with that hammer that was always coming out of his hat, ALF looked up at him with those big, black eyes and melted all of Inspector Gadget's anger away.

ALF now lives with Inspector Gadget in a two bedroom bungalow on the lower East side of Manhattan where they enjoy long walks in the park and endless games of Backgammon.

Seriously.

Prince vs. a Bird

Those people that have only ever seen Prince on television have no idea just how tiny he actually is. At birth, he was just a quarter of an inch long and weighed slightly less than an ounce. Even today, he is barely an inch and a half tall and weighs only as much as a pad of medium sized Post-It notes. His whole life has been spent avoiding dangers that you and I don't even realize are there. Things like cracks in sidewalks, storm drains, and yes, even birds. Especially birds. To defend himself against these winged foes, he has developed a guitar style that, while pleasing to you and I, is virtually unbearable to creatures of the avian variety.

Rock on little Prince. Rock on.

A Ninja vs. Gallagher

Ninjas and watermelons are sworn enemies. Gallagher isn't the biggest fan of watermelons either. What should be a catalyst for the unification of all things Ninja and all things Gallagher may eventually lead to the demise of one of the aforementioned parties. Unfortunately for both sides, Gallagher's comedy specials featuring his signature move of smashing watermelons are never shown on Japanese television because of the language barrier. Because of this, Ninjas believe that Gallagher is the King of All Watermelons rather than a fellow watermelon-hater. We can only hope that one day Ninjas and Gallagher will iron out their differences. The world would be a better place for it my friends. The world would be a better place for it.

Frida Kahlo vs. Frito Lay

The story goes that in 1951, while eating a bag of Frito Lay Brand Santitas Authentic Mexican Style Tortilla Chips, Frida Kahlo noticed what she perceived to be an astounding likeness between herself and the woman on the bag. Shortly thereafter, she sued Frito Lay saying that they had violated her Personality Rights, or her right to keep her image and likeness from being commercially exploited without permission or contractual compensation. Later that year after many hard-fought court battles where Kahlo represented herself, Frito Lay settled out of court awarding Kahlo a small fortune in tortilla chip royalties. If Frito Lay had known of Kahlo’s encyclopedic knowledge of Civil Law sooner, they may have saved themselves millions of dollars in legal fees.

Mr. Miagi vs. Mr. Rogers

Considering Mr. Miagi's mastery of the ancient art of Karate (pronounced KA-ra-TAY), you would think he would be able to dispatch with Mr. Rogers in a matter of seconds. Well, Mr. Rogers may be a pacifist, but King Friday loves a good fight. In fact, from May 1992 until April 1997, he held the Ultimate Fighting Championship Middleweight Title and he once defeated both Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme in a no-holds-barred bare knuckle brawl that has since become legend in the world of underground Mixed Martial Arts. If Mr. Miagi thinks this fight is going to be a cakewalk, he had better think again.

Optimus Prime vs. Opie

Many of you probably share the common misconception that the Transformers' greatest enemies are the Decepticons. In fact, the greatest battles the Transformers have ever waged have been against young redheaded children. Make no mistake, when the Transformers' leader Optimus Prime and the young redheaded children's leader Opie clash, the echoes of their battles can be heard for generations to come.

Steven Hawking vs. Mike Tyson

You want to talk about Epic Battles? Here is one that pits brains against brawn. Ability against disability. Black against white. Good against evil. Umm... paper against plastic? Chicken against fish? Republican against Democrat?

You get the picture.

Good thing for Steven Hawking, his wheelchair comes equipped with laser guns.

Pew, pew!

Paul Shaffer vs. Pauley Shore (circa 1997)

Pauley Shore (circa 1997) was a force to be reckoned with. Riding on the success of such films as "Encino Man" and "Bio-Dome," the man was virtually unstoppable.

On the other hand, Paul Shaffer can be linked to Kevin Bacon in one degree (VH1's Cover Wars where Bacon was a celebrity judge and Shaffer was the host).

Sorry Pauley Shore (circa 1997), but you've finally met your match.

Danger Mouse vs. The Noid

Danger Mouse loves pizza... I mean, it's covered in cheese right? Until 1986 when The Noid was unleashed on an unsuspecting pizza-eating population, Danger Mouse was able to get a delicious Domino's pizza in 30 minutes or less. Because the Noid's one and only purpose in life was to delay and/or destroy Domino's pizzas, Danger Mouse was forced to start ordering his pizzas from Little Caesar's. Thankfully, he didn't have any objections to Roman dictatorship.

A Minotaur vs. A Manatee

Lucky for the Manatee, Minotaurs talk a big game, but fight like sissies.

He-Man vs. A She-Male

Fool He-Man once, shame on He-Man.
Fool He-Man twice, shame on He-Man again.

Frankenstein vs. Frank 'n' Beans

Little known fact: Frankenstein is terrified of legumes. They give him awful gas.

Ellen Degeneres vs. Owen Wilson

Despite the fact that they are identical twins, these two have incredible contempt for each other. I guess it's sibling rivalry or something. And because they share exactly the same genes, this could possibly turn out to be the most epic battle of all time. The Perfect Storm. Two shall enter, one shall leave.

Mario vs. Michael Jackson

Mario has the distinct advantage because Michael Jackson spends entirely too much time grabbing his crotch and pointing at things.

Keith Richards vs. A Mummy

Predicting the winner of this battle is more than just a little difficult. On one hand, you have ancient wisdom, eons of experience and supernatural power. And on the other hand you have a Mummy.

Get it?!

Because Keith Richards is old!

Anyway, I'd have to say that in the end, Keith Richards would prove the victor because he can't be killed. And because Mummies aren't real.

Steve Irwin vs. Steve Urkell

If there’s one thing Australians love more than the Bloomin’ Onion at Outback Steakhouse and khaki clothing, it’s tormenting nerds. Mr. Urkell is in for a long day.

A Caveman vs. Oprah

The idea of a woman being both wealthy and powerful doesn’t sit well with Cavemen, but you can’t fault them for their patriarchal views of a woman’s place in society… they’re only cavemen after all.

An Astronaut vs. An Alien

Point of fact: When it comes to Aliens, the ratio of ugly to friendly is inversely proportionate. In other words, the uglier an Alien is, the friendlier it will be. Unfortunately, Astronauts don't know this. Because Astronauts lack this knowledge, these two will never get the chance to be best buddies.

A Leprechaun vs. A Polar Bear

If there's one thing Polar Bears can't resist, it's Leprechaun gold. And if there's one thing Leprechauns can't resist, it's Polar Bear gold. Some of the most epic battles in history have been between these two mortal enemies fighting over each others precious treasures. In fact, contrary to popular belief, the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 wasn't caused by a cow tipping over a lantern, but by a Leprechaun falling asleep while smoking a victory pipe after one such battle.

True story.

Mr. T vs. Godzilla

Four simple words:

I pity the fool.

Colonel Sanders vs. Kate Moss

The Colonel knows that his Original Recipe chicken is both delicious and an excellent way to stop Kate Moss from sucking your blood.

A Pirate vs. Sea Biscuit

Although last Friday, September 19th, was National Talk Like a Pirate Day, pirates are more than willing to fight anyone, anywhere, on any day of the year.

Hulk Hogan vs. Kermit the Frog

Although he may be small of stature, Kermit the Frog is a Kung Fu master. This is a drawing of just moments before Kermit unleashed a beating that the Hulkster won't soon forget.

George Washington vs. George Burns

He may be one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, but even one of our countries greatest Presidents had his pet peeves. Rumor has it that he really hated old people, cigar smoke and canes. You can imagine the carnage that ensued when he came across George Burns on one of his daily afternoon strolls.

Phil Collins vs. A Robot

You might think the winner of this battle would be a no-brainer. You might think that the robot would tear Phil Collins limb from limb. However, when Phil Collins goes on a city-destroying rampage, don't say I didn't warn you.

Lisa Simpson vs. OJ Simpson

This is the battle that started it all. With a little help from Cris, Neepun, Caroline and Hillary, I was able to see just how important (and brilliant) my ideas were. I wish I could say that I'll remember you four when I get rich and famous... but I can't.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Battles of Epic Proportion.

Hello minions. Before I unleash on the world what might possibly be the most innovative and thought provoking blog content man has ever known, I thought it would be appropriate for me to introduce myself. My name is Andrew King and I am the author of Battles of Epic Proportion. Using only a pen, a sticky note, my uncanny ability to draw, and some spare time, I have created the "Next Big Thing" in blogging. If you have a weak heart or a weak stomach, this is not the place for you, so please click here to be taken to someplace a little more appropriate. For those of you that are still here and are prepared for the mayhem, buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

You have been warned.